The Vase that showed me what love is.

One of my favorite things about Tim is that no worry if mine is too small for him to care about. One of my favorite moments was when a vase from my dad broke. normal people would throw it right in the trash, Tim saw the look on my face and promptly took it and glued it together. Tonight that’s what i miss about him most. The total understanding of my quirks

Instead of just telling me to let it go, or saying it was broken and worthless and to pitch it, or say i needed to grow up, like other people in my life would have. ( funny that trashing it is something which i could totally do now, in this moment) he let my heart feel what it wanted to right then. And fixed what he could. Funny how by doing that he made me realize the sadness had nothing to do with the vase and everything to do with the thought of losing my father someday.

He lets me be me. I hope you all find that in a person you fall in love with someday- because THAT is true love. Seeing another person for exactly who they are and then doing all you can to be the wind that lifts them up or that fills their sails and pushes them ahead. Love is beautiful. Beautiful is finding love before you die.

Thank you Tim. I hope i can be the one to glue together all your vases for you too for a very long time.
XOXO Come home soon, and come home safe.

Long ago and far away.

It all happened the way it should.

But I wish I could be there for you right now.

If I could, I would.

I say this to myself so often now it kills me.  Living well below the poverty line i realize that the reason i worked in corporate america was so that I could GIVE.  I could foster dogs. I could send my friends surprises. I could buy gas for my car and take my dog to the dog park every single day. I could buy the girl scout cookies.  Buy a new top once a year. Buy myself food. Buy someone else food.

If I could, I would.

I would send my friends gifts out of the blue. I would take Lucy on day trips to hike. I would go to the beach at least once a week. I would not cry when rent isn’t paid and I am on the verge of homelessness. I would travel just to make images.

If I could, I would. And if God hears my prayers, someday I will again.  I don’t feel like i am loving or living when i cannot give. I feel dead inside. I feel incomplete.

If I could, I would.  Be the me you remember.  Be the me that people loved.

you create your own YOU-NIVERSE

My personal choice is to believe that God created our universe.. i like the thought- and it makes me happy- so that’s what i embrace… (but i’m okay with what makes you happy too on that!)

But after a long day today i realized something…

we create our own “YOU-NIVERSE” (im copyrighting this so don’t you even think about it! 🙂

Your you-niverse is the world you create around you everyday. The choices you make, the people you surround yourself with. The situations you “create” for yourself.

A friend of mind reminded me the other day that i have been creating my own drama lately. While i normally pride myself on avoiding drama, it seems lately i have lost the big picture.

Here I am .. in a place i cant afford, no steady income, and no hope in my heart.
It’s like not keeping up the maintenance on your car or home- you have to constantly keep an eye on your life and make the choices that will keep you happy the longest.

Basically.. living in the moment is just not something that can work…  not as a single way of life.  You can appreciate moments, but you must keep your eye on the horizon to stay upright on your feet.

You don’t get a beautiful orchard to dance in without planting the trees and nuturing them… THIS part, I think i have done. I love my friends. Could i start using some miracle-gro to show them how much i love them.. yep- i think they deserve that for sure. They constantly help me bear the weight of my “cross.” It’s my weight to bear- but they are always still there for me cheering me on- I love you friends.. you are my joy and light everyday.

I will get through the hard times. I will survive! 🙂 And mostly I will start owning my own life and quit acting like i LIKE being a victim.  Cause we all know that’s just silly!

I’m gonna LIVE. With my foot on the gas pedal and not on the brake!

XOXO
crazy jenny

 

EDIT** 7/11/11   rhetts autopsy confirmed that his heart gave out, apparently God was ready to have him back on his side of the court.  I love you bro.  I’ll see you again.  XOXOX

 

One last call

I wish I had answered… laying on the couch half asleep when the call came in from Rhett. Listened to the voicemail the next morning. And thought to myself. I will call him soon. I’ll call him for sure after Tim deploys. Maybe he’ll come live down here this summer, maybe he needs some words of support. I won’t forget to call back. But i did forget.

A couple weeks flew by before i knew it.

Then i got an email on my phone as I was standing against Tims kitchen counter. I checked it- it was a message on facebook from one of Rhetts friends. Upon first glance i read that he didn’t know if i remembered him but he was Rhetts friend from OKC (i immediatley remembered he and his girlfriend- they were nice people we hung out with when i went up to visit the guys on my way back home in the fall of 09.)

i thought it was weird. i THOUGHT it said i needed to call RHETT. SO i paced the lviing room a bit and then decided i should call. That seemed urgent. Maybe he was sick, or having another back surgery, or just needed me for some deep life discussion. So i went back to the message in my email… and clicked ont he phone number he linked… as i did so i realized it said. “I’m Rhetts friend, LANCE needs to speak to you”

Lance. That didn’t make sense. I met him THROUGH Rhett, and hadn’t talked to him since that summer.

He didn’t make me wait long. Jenn- Rhett’s gone. He said it in this calm voice that must have taken every ounce of his being…he knew what those words would do. He stayed calm the whole time as i lost my mind… cried till i choked. Tried to breathe calmly and ask questions I needed answers to. We talked for a while, he said comforting things to me. And then we hung up.  And i literally cried almost non-stop for the next 5 hours, and off and on the entire next day- it would just hit me out of the blue and i would be sobbing again.

In the following days many friends said to me with great love “there was nothing you could have done.”

I don’t believe that.

End of story. I never will. I will never think that if i had called him back and gotten to talk to him that i couldn’t have saved him from this fate. You won’t ever convince me that my little brother wouldn’t have listened to me. That just as before my words of encouragment couldn’t or wouldn’t pull him from the fire. because i loved him so much. and he knew that- thats why he called, reached out. And i failed as a friend. I should have remembered to call back. That is my burden to bear now. I only wish i could have taken some of his burden when he was here, and helped him walk on.

He was an amazing man. He would have continued being so. He was a pheniox. And now he is an angel.

I’m glad to know you are up there watching over me kiddo. I won’t forget you. And i will keep right on living for us both- minus the guitar skills.

I love you. Your big sis,
Jenn

when the road leads to the corner of your mind

I’ve been thinking of going to live with dad. To be there and save up money and get back on my feet. And then today came. Deployment orders. And i realized how sad i was. How much i wanted to think that this day wouldnt happen- even though i had prepared myself in the back of my mind for just such an event. It changes my thoughts, brings the things from the corners out into the light- tells me I have to re think my direction. It’s that lantern in the basement of my life leading me back home now. But at the same time lighting the road in front of me. It’s another choice i will make, a path I will take, and a memory I will waken.

the good thing about life is that God lost your map.

a path narrow and straight will take you where you are going quickly and without event. Pray for the windy gravel road. Full of bumps, and potholes, and scenery and homes of friends to stop along the way and rest your feet at. Let your road be simple, and your journey long. Allow your heart to be full and the days to pass slowly.

there are just so many ways that you hear people say- life has no map.  Or that the road can be bumpy.  We spend so much time worrying about lifes outcome we don’t live it. It’s a sentiment in many songs, and spoken probably everyday amoungst people who are realizing it. But it is still hard to understand. To smile when the world crashes down around you.  But you can think of a saying that reminds you why He lost the road map. Why you must keep walking.  But it must be in YOUR heart.  No one elses saying will do.

So i challenge you now to find your own saying. Your own words to remind you how beautiful today was, even if it wasnt the best, it still was.

Off to find more words to tell myself I will get through just fine.

its something thats so hard to express

“Can’t you just get over it?

Forgive, sounds good. Forget, im not sure I could.

They say time heals everything but I’m still waiting.

It turned my whole world around and I kinda like it.

I’ve made my bed and I sleep like a baby.”

To me when it is a person really close to you that hurts you or turns their back. Those are the hardest ones to find forgiveness for.

And sometimes you really can’t say it or understand it until you hear someone else express what is inside of you… and for me, that is this song.

a man stopped me…

a random man stopped me on the road today…just to tell me that the man who held my heart was a lucky man.
That my smile had a way of radiating and that he hoped i’d understand.
He walked right away.. like that was all had to say to me.

and as i sit here i wonder. how does a stranger see more in me than a man?

and when will i ever understand?

and why did the universe pull em to the water once again. and is it time to head home to my loved ones and friends

and why do things that are so right, not stay together in the end?

and if time could bend would it bring me back to you again, or send me off in the wind?

and why does it seem so easy for me to just live in the moment, and smile this way.

when my heart is clearly still broken, and love is all it would take.

to mend me and make my smile radiate?

how did that man see my future? and when will i get to share his view in the reflection of the eyes of a man who understands me?

all this from a random man.

Chris has…

I just watch it over and over. And I cry. Every single time just as hard as the night I got the text.

If you didn’t know her, you will know her through these words, these photographs. You will wonder what it would have been like to know such a woman. To find such a friend. I pray that each of you have a Chris in your life at some point.

Chris, my dearest friend, you are my angel now. You are an angel to everyone who knew you. We are the lucky ones. You are the one who suffered in that pain, but loved us all the same. I can’t imagine the strength that took. I can’t imagine being here without you. Living life without you. I will brush my teeth and cry for as long as I can. My salt water tears as you hold my hand.

And I will take all of your advice. And make it my lifes plan. I will find him someday Chris. And I will always follow my dreams. I will shoot becasue that is what you wanted from me, and i will love – all because of you.

I wish there was more i could say. To help others understand the way a person like you comes to be on this earth. Or to help them, understand exactly what you did.

Ill never forget that look across the car when i knew you understood me. Or on your back porch, or the sound of your laughter as it echoed through the phone.

I am FOREVER grateful.